A Year of Change

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Closure is Within

It’s been a long time since I’ve dated. A lifetime almost. It takes courage to open up to people, especially for a lonely goat like myself. But I did it. I reluctantly began the process, putting myself out there through online dating after a friend and I made a deal. Shortly after, to my surprise, I met a pretty amazing guy. We hit it off right away, and that guard I had carefully built throughout the years with precision was shattered. Brought down in the matter of a week when I finally realized I could live my life alone or find my own kind of happiness.

He was everything I could have asked for. Actually, he was most things that my own wish list of desires for a partner had written on it. How easy was this dating thing when you meet someone who complements you so well a month into it? We meshed perfectly, not missing a beat. It felt like we had known each other before, longer than we had in this moment in life. I questioned if he was a soul mate, one of the many I know roam this earth, but I never got a clear answer. Deep down I knew he wasn’t. I saw him as someone who was placed in my path to teach me a lesson. Maybe we had karma to clear from a previous time that our souls danced together because despite how wonderful things were going, they ended.

They ended in a way I despised, a way that I had previously experienced in a past relationship. A term I recently learned thanks to some great girlfriends, Google, and warm coffee. He ghosted on me. Now for those of you that are in the dark like me, he just disappeared. The text messages were brief and then there were none, in the matter of two days. I was hurt. Actually, my ego was hurt. This was someone I knew for a little over a month. Yeah, I liked him, we had great chemistry, but my ego was the one that felt betrayed.

The human in me questioned how could he do this when he had talked about plans in the future, when he was the one who was so open and forthcoming. I was the cool one, so when did the tables turn?

The human in me wanted to reach out, wanted to make it known I was aware that he pulled away. But for what cause? To be on the receiving end of more silence, or worse. I took a deep breath, finished my coffee with my gals, and reflected. I have come a long way to return to my old ways. I had two choices—learn from this and grow, or return to the lonely top of the mountain. The latter was so tempting that I began the climb. I rationalized. I put myself out there, it didn’t work, I got hurt again, so I’m resorting to the way I was living my life, which was in no way actual living. I was hiding in a bulletproof case that rejected the shots thrown my way, but those shots make beautiful scars. They mark us to be better.

I decided I was going to look at this experience differently. Through my journey, I have come to this experience much differently than I would have in the past. I was not going to judge him. This is a part of his path, regardless of how annoyed I was at his behavior. He was placed on my path for a reason. We were placed in each other’s lives for whatever the reason may be. I had the choice to release judgment and take the lessons of my ego from a part of my soul being instead of my human being. I chose to be compassionate and understanding. I chose to free myself. Not from him or having a relationship, but from myself. From the me that used to hold herself back from living out of fear that the heartbreak would be worse than the loneliness. From the me that convinced herself so deeply that dealing with emotions was for the weak. I freed myself from the misconception that fairy tales were unreal and love was an illusion for the blind.

In retrospect, I could have been more in like with the idea that I had met such a great match. How easy it was to say that I found my forever the first time I attempted real dating. The thought of having to get back on the dating horse and start all over again makes me cringe. And since I’m being completely honest, I’ll also say that through reflection I admitted to myself that I wasn’t being totally honest with him. I put myself completely into the building of the relationship, whatever kind of relationship it was, but I kept a part of me hidden just like the moon, waiting for the right time to show my wholeness. Waiting for him to know me fully before I showed him all of me. How could he know me fully if I wouldn’t allow him that privilege? A privilege he asked for. So my biggest lesson is to shine brightly and expose my true glow, allowing someone to fall in love with all of me as I have fallen in love with myself.

In the end, the universe put me in a situation that was necessary, a situation that caused me to stop and think about the life I want and the partner I ultimately want. It tested me and wooed me, but it never abandoned me or gave me unnecessary hurt. It was firm in its beliefs and in guiding me in the right direction. And if there’s one thing I’m sure of it’s that when I meet that soul mate roaming nearby, I’ll feel it in my soul. I won’t be able to hold back because his soul will pull mine in. And I can’t wait to find that soul that grooves with mine.

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