Fear for the Unknown

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Lately I’ve been rooted, stuck in place with gripping quicksand. Not the type of grounded where confidence rules you and your root chakra is aligned. Mine is shaken, all the way up to my core, where I’ve teetered between who I remember and who I’ve become because of the fear. Despite daily affirmations and weekly intentions, I have struggled to find my footing. 

Digging deep within and exploring our darkest corners can shake us. Finding what is hidden in our souls can tempt to break us. But our courage can strengthen us. Allow us to stand up and fight the demons taunting us and challenges holding us back. 

My wings are itching to fly, take me to new grounds and newer experiences. I’m itching to break the limitations I’ve created and soar. 

Who doesn’t want that freedom? 

Yet, the unknown can be intimidating. It can hold us back from finding greatness because we prefer to stay comfortable. However, I vowed to break this new routine—a routine that goes against my being. I vowed to remind myself of the strength I have always carried, the wilderness that has always guided me, and return to the free-spirit that has longed to wander this earth with an open and wild heart.

Trusting the universe, and allowing for what’s in my heart to manifest, gives me the freedom to flap those wings and understand the balance between soaring amongst the stars and returning to my home on Earth to ground and recharge. Believe in my dreams and accomplish my goals. Most importantly, live the life I have always dreamed of. The life I deserve. The life I have ached to experience.

It is so much easier to allow the weightless wings to guide you than the weight of fear to control you.

We can have all we want if we remove the uncertainty of the unfamiliar and explore it with an open mind.

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A Year of Change

From ghosted to healing: How I found closure

It’s been a long time since I’ve dated. A lifetime almost. It takes courage to open up to people, especially for a lonely goat like myself. But I did it.

I reluctantly began the process, putting myself out there through online dating after a friend and I made a deal. Shortly after, to my surprise, I met a pretty amazing guy. We hit it off right away, and that guard I had carefully built throughout the years with precision was shattered. Brought down in the matter of a week when I finally realized I could live my life alone or find my own kind of happiness.

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He was everything I could have asked for. Actually, he was most things that my own wish list of desires for a partner had written on it. How easy was this dating thing when you meet someone who complements you so well a month into it? We meshed perfectly, not missing a beat. It felt like we had known each other before, longer than we had in this moment in life. I questioned if he was a soul mate, one of the many I know roam this earth, but I never got a clear answer. Deep down I knew he wasn’t. I saw him as someone who was placed in my path to teach me a lesson. Maybe we had karma to clear from a previous time that our souls danced together because despite how wonderful things were going, they ended.

They ended in a way I despised, a way that I had previously experienced in a past relationship. A term I recently learned thanks to some great girlfriends, Google, and warm coffee. He ghosted on me. Now for those of you that are in the dark like me, he just disappeared. The text messages were brief and then there were none, in the matter of two days. I was hurt. Actually, my ego was hurt. This was someone I knew for a little over a month. Yeah, I liked him, we had great chemistry, but my ego was the one that felt betrayed.

The human in me questioned how could he do this when he had talked about plans in the future, when he was the one who was so open and forthcoming. I was the cool one, so when did the tables turn?

The human in me wanted to reach out, wanted to make it known I was aware that he pulled away. But for what cause? To be on the receiving end of more silence, or worse. I took a deep breath, finished my coffee with my gals, and reflected. I have come a long way to return to my old ways. I had two choices—learn from this and grow, or return to the lonely top of the mountain. The latter was so tempting that I began the climb. I rationalized. I put myself out there, it didn’t work, I got hurt again, so I’m resorting to the way I was living my life, which was in no way actual living. I was hiding in a bulletproof case that rejected the shots thrown my way, but those shots make beautiful scars. They mark us to be better.

I decided I was going to look at this experience differently. Through my journey, I have come to this experience much differently than I would have in the past. I was not going to judge him. This is a part of his path, regardless of how annoyed I was at his behavior. He was placed on my path for a reason. We were placed in each other’s lives for whatever the reason may be. I had the choice to release judgment and take the lessons of my ego from a part of my soul being instead of my human being. I chose to be compassionate and understanding. I chose to free myself. Not from him or having a relationship, but from myself. From the me that used to hold herself back from living out of fear that the heartbreak would be worse than the loneliness. From the me that convinced herself so deeply that dealing with emotions was for the weak. I freed myself from the misconception that fairy tales were unreal and love was an illusion for the blind.

In retrospect, I could have been more in like with the idea that I had met such a great match. How easy it was to say that I found my forever the first time I attempted real dating. The thought of having to get back on the dating horse and start all over again makes me cringe. And since I’m being completely honest, I’ll also say that through reflection I admitted to myself that I wasn’t being totally honest with him. I put myself completely into the building of the relationship, whatever kind of relationship it was, but I kept a part of me hidden just like the moon, waiting for the right time to show my wholeness. Waiting for him to know me fully before I showed him all of me. How could he know me fully if I wouldn’t allow him that privilege? A privilege he asked for. So my biggest lesson is to shine brightly and expose my true glow, allowing someone to fall in love with all of me as I have fallen in love with myself.

In the end, the universe put me in a situation that was necessary, a situation that caused me to stop and think about the life I want and the partner I ultimately want. It tested me and wooed me, but it never abandoned me or gave me unnecessary hurt. It was firm in its beliefs and in guiding me in the right direction. And if there’s one thing I’m sure of it’s that when I meet that soul mate roaming nearby, I’ll feel it in my soul. I won’t be able to hold back because his soul will pull mine in. And I can’t wait to find that soul that grooves with mine.

 

Lessons in Nature~What we see when we are centered and open

Sometimes what we need to see is right in front of us.
Sometimes what we need to see is right in front of us.

I was driving to meet two blogger friends­—one of them is a fellow author as well—when I hit major fog on I-75 driving north from Miami. Now, fog isn’t very common in South Florida so I’m not accustomed to driving in it. At first I thought it was a sheet of rain and was relieved when I realized it was fog. Ironic, huh? I’m used to rain but prefer to drive in something I am not familiar with.

The fog wasn’t terrible to drive in but it lasted for miles, some miles heavier than others, but I was always able to see the road right in front of me.

When I looked back through my rearview mirror I saw the sheet of gray that I had left behind. If I looked forward into the part of the road that awaited me, I saw another gray sheet. I was grateful for having the road clear enough for me to see a few yards ahead. Then it would get really heavy, likely relaying the message to pay attention to what the fog represented.

Finally it clicked just as I was stretching my neck like a giraffe to look ahead over the streak of humidity on my windshield to see just how bad the fog was up ahead. I just got it. I looked immediately in front of me where my car was, then through the rearview mirror. My mind was catching up slowly, testing me like our minds tend to do.

Then, in the silence of my car, I chuckled. I literally laughed out loud and told the universe, “touché, universe, touché.” The universe knows what we need and when we need it. As I was driving, my mind was relaxed and focused on the present, but I had been going through some rough days anxious about the future. The fog was there to remind me that the past is blurry and finished with, and the future is still not clear since we haven’t arrived to it yet. The present moment is the one that is transparent because it is where we are living. Our actions in the present moment mold our path for the future, releasing the past as it happens and continuing to move forward with an open mind and heart.

I thanked the fog for that reminder. Many times, most times for me, we are so obsessed with what will happen that we miss what is happening right now. Or we obsess with how to change the past when the only thing we can do is learn from it and continue to more forward, taking each lesson with us to help us grow.

I definitely needed that lesson during that week, so I made a pact with myself to release the stress and worry and just have fun in the present, as I trust the universe to work its magic. And what a mighty magic wand the universe owns when we trust it and allow our purpose to expand. Everything will work out the way it is meant to for all of our highest good, and when we trust and release the negativity that can sneak in, the universe conspires to helps us reach those desires.

Before this experience, I was aware that I needed to release the anxiety of the future and be present in the now, but that’s easier said than done, right? It took nature to interfere as something that I am not familiar with, something that would have really caught my attention, for me to learn this lesson. Then I thought to myself after I realized what was happening, Watch how the fog clears up now that you’ve learned your lesson. A couple of miles later the sun shone on my car and the view was clear.

It is amazing how we coexist in the world—humans, nature, animals—to create a balance and learn from each other. I want to share three practices that can help release anxiety and be mindful because we may not always have the fog right in our faces to open our eyes.

Tools for mindful living:

  1. Before getting out of bed in the morning, close your eyes and focus on your breath. Inhale and exhale slowly and steady, clearing your mind. You can repeat an affirmation for the day. An example, I am present, body and soul, in this moment. If you are struggling on releasing a worry or stress, you can repeat, I release what no longer serves me and accept what is, moving forward with an open heart.
  2. Go for a walk and be aware of your surroundings. Focus on the colors of the leaves, the flowers, the noises around you. Is there a dog barking or the wind blowing? Leave your electronics at home or in your car, and be one with your surroundings. A color walk is also wonderful. Choose a color in your mind, preferably not a common one in your area, and as you walk, focus on that color around you. These are different ways to disconnect from the chaotic world and come back to center.
  3. Do something you love. Whether it is painting, writing, exercise or cooking. Feed your soul with something that fulfills you and focus on that. Be mindful of the words you are writing or the vegetables you are chopping, the brush strokes, the movement of your hands or fingers across an instrument. When you do things that are true to you, you release negativity and open your mind to positive thinking. You create feel-good moments.